Suicidal to Therapist – becoming Empathetic and Compassionate

I was apprehensive going into this initial workshop. I hadn’t had much experience listening to strangers’ problems, let alone expressing deep empathy, taking note of what was on their minds and offering a sympathetic ear.

Luckily all the other participants were friendly and welcoming. Even though we’d all come from different backgrounds, we shared a commitment to self-development on a humanistic level. We were all there to grow as people, practice self-compassion and change our Way of Being. 

Just as a reminder, the Seven Key Principles that Shape Wellbeing is formed around are:

• Empathy 
• Compassion 
• Acceptance 
• Non-Judgement 
• Open & Honest
•  Genuine & Real 
• Empowerment

These principles form a Way of Being, and applying them to both ourselves and those around us builds up self-awareness and the ability to understand both ourselves and others.

Triads

There was a core practical element to the Workshops which I greatly appreciated. It allowed us to put what we learned into action immediately.

The triad structure consisted of Groups of 3 — a speaker, a listener and an observer. The speaker would have 3 minutes to recount an issue they were dealing with in life. The listener would primarily ask questions, and goad the speaker to come out of their shell to get to the root feeling and emotion that was causing the speaker distress. The observer’s role was just to watch both the listener and speaker and note down any observations.

Jenny and Her Alcoholic Daughter

I was thrown straight into the deep end with my first triad. 

Jenny had received a call from her daughter who was drunk before 9 am. Her daughter was upset as she felt that Jenny was making an effort to help other people and herself by being on this Wellbeing Course, but had not put any effort in with her daughter.

Jenny was on the verge of tears as she told me about the situation. I could feel how upset she was. It moved me and I endeavoured to listen as well as I could.

My mind tends to reach out and fix things right away. It’s a natural human tendency to want to stop the pain, but it isn’t that easy. I knew offering solutions Jenny had likely thought of wasn’t the correct course of action. 

Empathy and compassion were the tools I required. I listened and I asked about how the situation made Jenny feel. People don’t want solutions and fixes thrown at them, what they want is to be listened to.

This revelation was huge for me. It made me consider the way I’d behaved in dealing with past relationships.

An ex-girlfriend fought with her mum. Her mum had said some horrible things. Rather than listening and making her feel valued, listened to, and that she mattered, I remember I just tried to fix the situation.

It might come from my ego, or it may be from my mathematical background where we solve problems. But people and their struggles aren’t mathematical problems. 

We can never ignore the emotional element of a human being. 

Daniel and His Struggle with Failure

In another triad, Daniel was lamenting about his perceived failures. He’d attempted multiple business ventures that hadn’t worked out for him.

He’d suffered through some relationships that had gone south as well. 

Both of these were highly relatable to me. I could tell Daniel was introspective and self-aware, however, I also felt that he was being hard on himself, and was lacking some self-compassion. 

Daniel continued for most of the three minutes, I didn’t feel a need to interject or ask any questions as Daniel was asking himself the questions. 

Sometimes, it’s just better to listen and acknowledge. I nodded along for the most part, and when Daniel felt that he’d said what he wanted to, that was when I offered a point.

I offered a reframing of the mistakes he felt he’d made — those mistakes were paving the way for his future success.

Stephen King had written 5 novels and been rejected upwards of 30 times before he was published. 

J.K. Rowling was broke, depressed and struggling as a single mother. Harry Potter was rejected by multiple publishers as well.

It’s important to remember the rough times, the bottom of the pit is a part of our journey. Success isn’t defined necessarily by accomplishment, but by the willingness to get after what we want. 

Disagreement with Derek

Derek was observing the triad between Daniel and me, and I felt he’d critiqued me a little harshly.

I felt he implied that I was beneath Daniel intellectually and that I didn’t understand what was going on. He also mentioned I was clunky.

The comments did hurt, partly because I disagreed with what was said but also because I felt judged. I wasn’t sure whether to raise a response or just remain quiet. 

I decided to express my feelings. I mentioned why I just listened to Daniel, as I felt it was the best course of action. I didn’t feel the need to say anything, as Daniel was empowering himself for the most part. 

I also did justify myself with my credentials. I think this was the wrong move, it was fueled by ego and was unnecessary. 

In the heat of the moment, I didn’t lead with empathy and acknowledged that Derek was trying to be constructive, and I focussed only on my feelings at the time.

Retrospectively, I should’ve had some more control in my response if I was to live up to the 7 Principles, but I understand I’m new to this Way of Being. It’ll come with the practice of controlling my emotions, and I’m glad I didn’t speak out of turn.

Derek realised he’d also misspoken, there was no harm done and we moved on.