Here I am, a woman mid 30´s with two young children meandering through life, making ends meet (just) and trying to be the Facebook perfect mother/wife/businesswoman.
Yes, I have my demons, doesn’t everyone?
Since having my first child I´ve been struggling with emotions and life in general, however don’t most mums? I have the days when I just want to throw in the towel. I´ve had days where I´ve struggled to get out of bed, but isn’t that just the general tiredness of being a working mum? Since then, I´ve had another child and with that, tiredness and negative thoughts doubled. I hate my body, I have no time for myself and my relationship seems to be non-existent. However, I get my head down and face each day of sorting out my kids, working, and if I´m lucky, managing to shave my legs.
I knew I was low, but I just fixed my smile and carried on with the daily grind. Did I think about talking to someone? Yes, on many occasions. I mean, I´d even written a poem called “I Want to Die”. But the thought of openly admitting that I was suffering with depression was shoved to the bottom of the draw with my size 10 jeans.
Now, I have to say, at this point I was extremely fortunate to have a friend who is a reflective practitioner for Shape Wellbeing. She messaged me a message which literally saved me (cheesy I know, but true).
“You have been extremely supportive sharing my posts etc. If you are interested in this self-care workshop I would like to offer you this as a wee gift from me (Heart emoji). Have a wee think.”
Well I didn’t know how to react. The poster states the workshop helps you to
- Relearn to listen
- Reconnect to yourself and your loved ones
- Retake control of your thoughts
- Restore balance to your life
- Regain happiness.
All of the above sounded exactly like what I needed more than anything. However, it was three Sunday mornings, and the thought of talking about my true feelings with strangers filled me with dread. But how could I turn down this kind gesture from my friend, I had to accept. So I did, but putting some protection in place for myself. I´d keep my ´issues´ light and think of something “half there” to talk about.
I got sent some reading material through about a week before which sat in my inbox until the night before the first session. I quickly read through it at the last moment as I didn’t want to let my friend down.
Before the zoom sessions began, we had agreed that everything that was spoken about was in full confidence. Nothing would leave the meeting. It didn’t matter to me as I would never speak about someone else, but mainly because I knew I wouldn’t speak about anything important to me.
As soon as the meeting started, the two founders, Robert and Neil, drew me in and had me listening much more than I thought I would. I found myself hanging on their every word and taking notes, even though the notebook and pen where originally more for show, so my friend thought I was taking it seriously.
For the first time in a long time I felt listened to. They really saw me. I forgot all my protective barriers that I had set up and I followed what felt right.
In the workshop they give you many tools to use for listening to others and connecting to others with empathy, compassion and non-judgement. I felt strong listening to others, and realised this is exactly how I needed to treat myself too. However, I knew that it would take time for me to put that into practice. For then, I was learning how to listen using the 7 key principles. Building that foundation for the next step towards myself. But I was also being listened to. I wasn’t being judged for not having it all together, no one batted an eyelid towards my tears, in fact others also cried and I saw a community of different people coming together to empathise and support each other through their own battles. It really was amazing. Did I discuss my own demons? Not in full. But I skimmed the surface, the real and honest surface, not the little lie that I had prepared for protection. And at the end of it all I felt good, for the first time in a long time I felt connected. To others and to myself.
I was empowered now, the ball was in motion and I couldn’t stop it there. Both Neil and Robert reached out after the workshop to see if I could take the next step, but I knew deep down I had work to do on myself. I wasn’t afraid anymore to address what was going on within me. I booked some sessions with Robert to explore my own mind.
I know once I feel stronger myself, that I will continue the workshops to aid my progression and hopefully, in turn, I can get to a point where I can help others.
Currently right now I´m working with Shape both with sessions for myself to aid my own mental healing, but also writing poetry, with the aim to share my journey with other people who may also be in the dark place that I have been to.
But the take-away from this is as follows: The Self Care Workshop was something I needed without even knowing it. Without that step I would still be in that awful, destructive cycle without the power to reach for help. I know I am lucky to have had my friend give me the push I needed, however I hope this can reach you, amongst your own demons, to take that very first step towards help.
“You may not be perfect, but you are enough.” – Robert Shape Wellbeing.