Main photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash
by Aamir Vesamia
The following story contains mention of suicide. Please engage in self-care or reach out to your loved ones or a mental health professional if you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts or tendencies.
Acceptance and Non-Judgment
These are the keys to self-compassion
This is the third of a multi-part series. Please click here for the first and click here for the second. Names have been changed to protect people’s identities.
Like the first, the second workshop was also focused on Self Care. The 7 Key Principles of Shape Wellbeing are listed here:
- Empathy
- Compassion
- Acceptance
- Non-Judgement
- Open & Honest
- Genuine & Real
- Empowerment
I knew what I wanted to focus on in the second workshop. Whilst I had focussed on the Principles of Empathy and Compassion in the first workshop, I prioritised Acceptance and Non-Judgment this time around.
We make judgements all the time. They enable us to be decisive and plot a course forward. However, they can also be limiting, especially when it comes to ourselves.
I often find myself thrown into dichotomous thinking, believing that if I have a lapse in judgment, it’s a representation of my entire character. I can feel like I’m incapable of change and hence make the judgment I deserve to fail and will never improve.
Acceptance is another Key Principle tied to Non-Judgment, as Empathy might be to Compassion. Accepting that failures are a part of life lessens the severity of the judgment I’ll pass over myself. By accepting myself first, I understand that if I do slip up it’s okay and that I can correct my behaviour going forward.
Photo by Shangyou Shi on Unsplash
Pole Dancing
Julia told us a fascinating story about pole dancing. She aimed to change the perception around it, travelling to various TV and Radio stations to pitch her position. I felt touched by her dedication, and also her empathy and compassion for those that didn’t agree with her.
Julia’s boyfriend had an ex-wife who was vehemently opposed to her. Induced by jealousy, she led a smear campaign against Julia. The ex-wife named Julia an array of slurs publicly, attempting to shame her into defeat.
Yet Julia remained silent and didn’t play into the ex-wife’s games. She didn’t lash out and somehow remained non-judgmental to the ex-wife’s plight. Julia understood that the ex-wife was going through a hard time as well, and the power of the Key Principles.
The vitriol subsided eventually. Julia was able to have a relationship with her boyfriend’s children as a result, and even with the mother too.
The takeaway for me here was how Julia was able to accept the situation, without passing judgment and escalating the conflict. By being both Accepting and Non-Judgmental, Julia had doused the fire, rather than spreading the flames.
Excited Animals
Playing the role of the listener in my first triad, I listened to Will speak about a situation where his dog had gotten excited and had caused a ruckus with his neighbours as he was leaving home.
I was comfortable being empathetic to his plight, and I led with empathy followed by compassion. I focussed on being non-judgmental. Instinctively I knew agreeing that he had done the right thing and passing judgment on the situation was not the correct course, however, it took some difficulty not to reassure him that way.
I think I slipped up initially and was reminded by Robert that instead of judging and telling him I agree he was correct in his handling of the situation, I instead say ‘It sounds to me like you feel you handled the situation in a way you’re happy with.’
It’s a subtle yet major difference, and it’s one I’m carrying forward with me when speaking to family and friends.
Fresh Start
Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash
At the time of the workshop, I was just about to move to a new city. That comes with its bucket full of stress triggers and anxiety pitfalls.
I don’t spend much time thinking about the future. The move was dawning on me in just a couple of days but had barely crossed my mind. I hadn’t even packed yet.
When it was my turn to speak, it was the first I’d acknowledged my fears for the future. It’s scary, to get past the initial resistance of accepting that things are going to change a lot. And then I had to confront the reality of whether I was going to change or not.
When I got started talking, I couldn’t stop. The listener in this case did a great job of just hearing me out, egging out my anxieties and allowing me to confront them on my own.
I was making this move to change. Back home I wasn’t developing. I’d fall into the same pitfalls and frankly, I was fed up.
A month later, can I say I’ve changed?
That’s where Acceptance and Non-Judgement come in.
I’ve accepted that change takes time. Especially with moving to a new city, juggling all the new activities, new people and new goals I’ve set for myself can be tricky.
I don’t judge myself too hard when I do slip up. Counterintuitively, it lets me work harder the next day.
I went out on a weekday with some new friends. Had a few too many drinks, and ended up back in bed at 5 am. I had a late start at work the next day. Less than ideal, but I accepted that I got caught up in the excitement and wanted to bond with new people. Judging and hating myself for it wasn’t going to help.
I resolved that I’d work twice as hard the next day. Full flat clean-up, a blog post and going the extra mile at work. I avoided the pitfall of disappointment and guilt and instead worked to right my wrongs.
Conclusion
As with every workshop, I came out feeling calm and resolved. The Shape Wellbeing triads work out as counselling sessions, where you get to play both a counsellor and a client.
Practising a different set of skills each week allows me to build on the foundations of what I’d previously put into play, but also test out some new methods.
I’m learning to accept myself without judgment. I’m not so hard on myself when I slip up. I have some compassion for myself.
It’s counterintuitive really, but without acceptance and non-judgment, I’d fall into the pitfall of feeling guilt and end up avoiding my missteps rather than confronting and accepting them.
By acknowledging and incorporating the parts of myself I want to work on, I’m developing my self-awareness and ironing out my creases.
