Main photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
by Aamir Vesamia
The first time I considered killing myself was when I was 18.
I’d been rejected from every University I’d applied to. My home life was terrible, so much so that I’d stay with friends when possible. I was struggling with alcohol addiction. My social life wasn’t great either, and with everyone disappearing off to University I felt like I’d be left behind.
I didn’t see a way forward at the time. I also didn’t realise I was blind. It was my mind that was lacking, not my circumstances.
I’m 26 now. There were another 4 occasions where the thought had turned into something more, where some kind of action was involved.
I’d rely on external factors to regulate how I felt internally.
Drugs. Alcohol. I’d use relationships to mask my issues temporarily.
I went through a breakup 3 months ago. At that point, I decided I’d had enough. I’d had a ‘Fight Club Moment’, and vices were no longer going to be my solution.
My fundamental issue was my mentality. What I needed to do was build a foundation internally, starting with the mind.
Therapy
Photo by Roger Bradshaw on Unsplash
I finally bit the bullet and went into therapy.
My first experience wasn’t great.
There was a lack of empathy or compassion on their part. I felt judged and talking through problems without empathy or advice was not what I was looking for.
My second experience was different. Robert was charismatic. He’d been through it — from homeless and alcoholic to a successful business owner with a penchant for helping people with their mental health. He led with empathy and compassion and saw things from his client’s point of view.
We’d have biweekly sessions. I was fragile and all over the place at the start. I suppose I needed reassurance that I could improve and achieve my goals.
Robert saw something in me. A belief that I hadn’t experienced before, from anyone. I began to internalise that belief. I realised the only person who needed to believe in me was me. I had control, and that was empowering.
I wondered why therapy with Robert was so effective in such a short space of time. For many, it can take months, or even years to achieve a positive outcome.
A friend of mine had started therapy around the same time as me. She admitted she wasn’t sure how it was going after being at it for a month. She felt a disconnect from her therapist, and she felt uncomfortable. If she was unable to answer a question, her therapist would stare at her in a way that made her feel judged.
The key difference between our experiences was the demeanour of the therapist. One listened to empower, the other listened to fix.
Fixing implies that we’re broken. Empowerment is about taking us to the next level.
Shape Wellbeing
Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash
Carl Rogers proposed a humanistic approach to therapy in the 1950’s. One which was warmer and optimistic. One which saw those seeking therapy as clients, rather than patients. The goal is for the clients to reach ‘self-actualisation’, which is possible for anyone, given the right conditions.
Shape Wellbeing takes the fundamentals Carl Rogers proposed and optimises it for a modern setting. Shape is founded on 7 Key Principles:
- Empathy
- Compassion
- Acceptance
- Non-Judgment
- Open & Honest
- Genuine & Real
- Empowerment
These Key Principles are ways of being, rather than things you do. The initial focus is on yourself. After starting to listen and understand yourself, you develop self-awareness. You realise everything you need is within you, and from there you can go on to help others.
They’re how Robert lived his life after he reached his low point. How he became a qualified counsellor and psychotherapist, as well as a successful business owner. He achieved self-actualisation through the Principles, and anyone can do the same.
I’ve completed the first two Foundation workshops, and they’ve been transformative. I’ll be writing about these sessions in further detail.
The course will lead me to become a qualified Reflective Practitioner. But that isn’t the goal here. It’s a journey to change my way of being.
I’m building up self-awareness, a belief that I’ll be okay regardless of external circumstances. From there it’s about going into other people’s worlds, empathising on a deeper level and being able to empower those around me too.
Becoming a Reflective Practitioner is just the first step on this journey. Next year I’ll be going back to University to get a degree in Psychology. Take the full-fledged action of becoming a therapist, to help people with issues I’ve struggled with.
Over the coming year, I’ll be volunteering at local mental health charities, to get experience working with those suffering from the invisible illness.
My relationships have drastically improved since starting work with Shape. Empathising with others and their problems makes people feel listened to.
I used to struggle greatly with listening. I ruined a lot of past relationships I had with people. I’d try to fix issues rather than hear them out and make them feel understood. These new skills are transforming my interactions with others, leading to deeper and more meaningful relationships.
Shape has been a catalyst for my development. A conduit for greater change, and this is just the start of my journey.
